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The Dark Days

I was really debating and to be quite honest really struggled with writing this blog. But as promised, I want to share the good and the really bad days of my journey.

Part of my practice to live with my anxiety, PTSD and depression is to focus daily on all the amazing things in my life, to help others who are struggling and to do the best I can with the lot of cards I have been dealt. I refuse to sit down, feel sorry for myself and let these things define me. On some days, this is no easy task.

For those who know me, know that I am determined, a damn hard worker and I do not give up easily. So fighting my anxiety, depression and PTSD and doing the best I can to overcome this is inevitable which has led me to sharing my story on social media, blogging, creating a course to help others who have suffered and meeting and talking with as many people as I can to help them, be a friend and support them through the difficult times because I know exactly how it feels to suffer, to be in pain, to feel alone and to have this hang so heavy over your shoulders.

As you know, I have a strong social media presence and the purpose of this is to help as many people as I can while sharing my daily practices, motivating others, supporting them and focusing on the positives.

Up until Friday, I had been doing pretty good. My strategies have been working, my quality of life had been excellent and I had found a way to not only help myself but many others at the same time (which is part of what makes me me, I have to help others). Now, if you have been following me at all you know that each and every day I still struggle and I have made what I call “accommodations” in my daily life to get through and be the best version of myself I possibly can.

But, I still live with it. Last Saturday for example, my husband and I went to go to a movie and my anxiety kicked in overdrive and we had to leave. Instead of dwelling on it, we made the best of it and put my strategies in place full force. That is the thing with anxiety, PTSD and depression, you have no control over it and it creeps up and slaps you when you are least expecting it.

The everyday struggles were under control and I was quite proud of how well I had been able to adapt and cope. For the first time in a very long, I felt like ME. But then Friday happened. I won`t get into the details, but Friday I was blindsided and something pretty significant happened in my life that totally knocked me off track. I had two panic attacks in one night, I cried uncontrollably and it left me exhausted and depleted. I found myself quickly slipping backwards and down a slippery slope that I did NOT want to go near.

It didn't end there, it carried over into Saturday and I spent the day on the couch, feeling defeated and unable to move. I finally coaxed myself to put my jacket and boots on and made it the porch where I cried for about 20 minutes. When I finally got through the door, I cried the whole walk.

My whole weekend entailed of major struggles, not wanting to eat, shower, move, etc. A good friend of mine who knew I was having a bad day convinced me to go out, my husband had to coax me to have a shower and my anxiety was in full drive as I drove to her house, tears filling in my eyes and having no idea why I couldn`t get my shit under control. Once we got to the social gathering, I used my strategies the best I could and was able to stay there. Even though I was exhausted and it was very hard to be there, I stayed.

Sunday I started to come around but it was a huge struggle all the same. The progress I had made, the shifts I had made, everything was reset. It felt like I was in slow motion and even the most mundane things exhausted me.

These are the things people don't see with anxiety, depression and PTSD. Most people who suffer put on their brave faces, put their best foot forward and people have NO IDEA what they are going through.

So, why am I sharing this? I am sharing this because we all have setbacks and society needs to be more aware of what people go through who suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD. I am sharing this to show that because people choose to put their best foot forward it doesn't mean they are not struggling, I am sharing this to be open and honest and let others know that it is ok to have setbacks, it doesn't define us, it makes us stronger.

Today, I am coming through what I will call my “episode”. I am still struggling but slowly and surely I am fighting to overcome yet another obstacle. I am using my tool box to pull myself out of this, I know this is just another obstacle and I will get through it but man it is tough. When it feels like the world is pulling you down and trying to break you it is so hard to pick yourself back up.

But here is the thing. I will pick myself back up, I will get through this and I will not stop fighting. Sometimes life doesn't seem fair, sometimes life throws not just one lemon but the whole friggin bag at you. The way I look at it is it just means more lemonade in the future.

On the days that are tough, that are really tough just remember that this too shall pass and that things will get better. Don't give into the dark thoughts, reach out to someone and FIGHT it. I know you are tired, I am tired, but this fight is totally worth it. You got this, I got this, WE got this!

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