say yes to you
Module 2 - Lesson 3
After identifying some major deep rooted issues that we may have been harbouring for some time, this week we learn how to accept and manage. We learn how to cope with traumatic events and to begin the process of letting go. But, before we jump into the nitty gritty of making the change it is important to understand the process of why we do what we do. By understanding why we do what we do, we can better learn how to deal with misfortunes, set them free and develop some new behaviours that suit us better.
Why do we do what we do?
Human needs psychology provides an answer to the age-old question, “Why do human beings do the things they do?” How is it that one person will sacrifice his own life for another, while another person will murder a stranger for sheer pleasure? What creates a Nelson Mandela or a Charles Manson?
No matter who you are in the world, or what you do there is a common force that is driving us and shaping our emotions as well as our actions. All of this determines the quality of our life, the life we live, the values we hold and of course our destinies.
HUMAN NEED is the universal force that drives us all. Regardless of our backgrounds, our experiences, our religion, our values, our race, we are all driven every day to fulfill primal needs that are built into our nervous system over centuries ago. Even though we are all unique, we are all wired in a very similar way, we all strive and find a way to meet these needs.
There are six human needs that drives each and every one of and push us forward to experience a life of meaning. There is no conscious effort needed, these needs are automatic.
The 6 basic human needs are:
1.) Certainty: Everybody wants stability surrounding their basic necessities - food, shelter, etc. When people are unable to control their physical circumstances they seek certainty through a peace of mind (religious or positive outlook.)
2.) Uncertainty or Variety: People have a need to change their state, to move their body and experience a variety of emotions. Variety can be achieved by stimuli, change of scenery, physical activity, mood swings, entertainment, food, etc.
3.) Significance: Everyone wants to feel special and important in some way. They seek significance through recognition from others.
4.) Love/Connection: Humans need to feel connected with someone or something. Connection may take the form of love or an intense engagement. These engagements are not necessarily positive, they can be in form of aggression and other types of emotions.
5.) Growth: Everything in our universe is either growing or dying.
6.) Contribution: People cannot feel fulfilled unless they are contributing to others as well.
Every person will find ways to meet these needs. These needs will be found in positive, negative or neutral ways but every person finds a way to meet them in some way.
The goal and skill here is to find ways to fill these needs using sustainable and positive strategies. By understanding the way our human needs work, we can understand our situations a little better and be able to find a rational way to make the change to meet the needs.
Use this knowledge to reflect on the questions you answered last week.
Are you able to look at the answers of your questions a little more gentler, less biased and more objective?
Sometimes understanding why we reacted or are still reacting to a situation or relationship it is easier to let it go and replace it with different actions to meet those needs.
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER
Next week we will be taking a closer look at your six human needs but for today we are learning and understanding some of our past and current emotions and situations.
Your homework this week is going to be solidifying some major obstacles you have in your life that you have not let go or events in your past that might be pulling you down and holding you back. So, now that we have them narrowed down, how are we going to change them?
Homework this week is going to be 3 parts:
I want you to think about the person/relationship in question. I want you to think about what hurt you about it, why are you still holding onto this, what emotions are tied to this. Now, I want you to write about this situation from the other person's perspective. I want you to write what the person would say about the situation, how they may be feeling about the situation, what their perspective is on it, why they acted the way they did.
I want you to write down all the positive things that person gave you, the good things they brought to your life, the things you loved/liked about the person, why that person was in your life and what you have learned from them.
Write a letter to that person, tell them how you feel about the situation, how you are changing the situation, that you forgive them (or accept what they did) and wish them love and light. For all the bad that person did, I want you to recognize all the good that person has done for you too. We choose what we focus on, we choose what we remember, we choose what we take from a relationship/toxic friendship. Thank them for the good that has come from that relationship and consider this a closing letter. Now, burn it, tear it up, rip it up and cleanse as you release. This is symbolizing a refreshing new start. OR you can keep it and reread it when you need the reminder or when those thoughts start creeping back up.
“If we are going to blame people in our lives for all the bad that they have done, we have to blame them for the good!”
Obviously there are some deep rooted issues that may not be able to be released using this technique. I want you to be cautious when choosing a focus area for this experience.
Let's say you are resentful towards your parents. Maybe your mom was too strict and you had more responsibilities than your peers, you had to be home earlier than everyone else and you were restricted more than others. These feelings may have festered some frustration and resentment towards your mom. You might have thought your mom made you miss out on key opportunities when you were a child. That you were sheltered and you suffered.
Task 1: Write about this same situation from your mom's perspective!
She was a single parent and needed help with babysitting for your younger sibling. She was doing the best she could at the time. She was strict on you because she wanted more for you than she ever had, she wanted you to go places and make a life for yourself and wanted to protect you from situations that could change your life negatively. Because she was a single parent, she needed the help around the house and your brother was too young to help. She wanted to teach you responsibility, teach you about money and struggles so you can be bigger than having a suffering life of limitations. She wanted what was best for you and did the best she could as a single parent.
Part 2: What did you learn from this person, what positive things did that person bring to your life?
This person, my mother, has taught me:
How to be resilient and not give up.
By seeing her in an abusive relationship it has taught me what I will not stand for in my own romantic relationships.
How to be hardworking and earn what I have in my life.
How to be caring and take care of people.
How to dream big and reach for the stars.
How to not settle and work hard.
To be true to myself and not care what others thought of me.
To have a long lasting relationship with my little brother that would not be as strong if I didn't have a connection with him at a young age.
How to maintain household responsibilities and handle money at a young age.
If my mother had been the mother I wanted her to be, I would not be the woman I am proud to be today. We grow from our experiences, we get to choose if we look at the good or if we look at the bad. Now, we can see both sides of the coin, which one will you focus on?
Part 3: Thank them for what they have given you.
I want to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for making me the woman I am today, the person who stares back at me in the mirror is strong, resilient, caring, powerful and damn hardworking because of you.
I forgive you for the things that I have harboured for years, for the feeling of resentment and hurt. I choose to focus on the amazing attributes you have awarded me, the skills I have today because of you and the charming quality traits I have inherited from you.
I know things will not always be easy and there will be differences and struggles but I am choosing to let go of the past and the feelings I have manifested over the years. I know you did your best and you wanted the best for me and I thank you for that.
Love you always,
Once you can see things from a different perspective and a different light, you are able to accept, feel the feelings and learn to let go. It is ok to feel hurt but feel the love too and realize that this is holding you back and have created limitations in your life that are blocking some amazing things.
Instead of focusing on the negatives of a specific situation, look for the lesson, look for what good came from it and thank that situation for teaching you what it has.